The heat is fixed now....Bob said he was told there was a furnace clog which is why there was no heat....... ever heard of that one???? laughing...sort of!
I'll apologize now for sounding pessimistic however a furnace clog makes me wonder if the oil company (we are on auto refill) let the oil get too low and the sludge from the bottom got into the lines....hmmmm...now THAT makes sense to me....BUT It's not my specialty now is it!!!!!! If it were my car and there was a "clog in the line" they would tell me that I LET THE GAS GET TO LOW...wouldn't they ????
Today was a very difficult day. I've struggled with writing about it but I do feel this is all "part" of the situation and is a huge "part" of how the Doerr Family is doing. I'll simply say it's starting to take it's toll.
After waking up with no heat....though I did heat up a small bathroom so we could all get dressed...Natalie proceeded to have a very tough morning. ( I was supposed to pick up both girls early to go see a musical called Laura Ingalls Wilder at the Colonial Theatre. It was a performance advertised for school trips.....our school wasn't going and I have had my eye on this play since last year....I was happy it was coming to Pittsfield this year.....last year it was at Proctors near Albany) The tickets were purchased quite some time ago.
During our morning routine it became clear that Natalie was not up for the play....(I assumed she was overtired even though she seems to be getting plenty of sleep...I keep the girls on a predictable schedule.... although the time did change.....Natalie yawned about 7 times on the way to school)......
I made several phone calls ..folks I could call before 7am.....I was looking for an afternoon sitter to sit with Natalie while she slept so Olivia and I could still go to the play. Olivia LOVES Little House books...Our dear friend Diana agreed to come relieve my mom at 1pm so mom could head home. Mom has been here since early Sunday when she came at noon to help me get my car to the dealer..then she stayed through Monday while we went to NYC.....she has been here in the midst of taking meds for her sinus infection so she hasn't felt her "best".
After leaving the girls off at school mom drove me to pick up the Sienna (at dealer since Sunday getting radio and heating fan fixed......both were supposed to be covered by warranty and extended warranty...however low and behold there was a $50 deductable. SURPRISE....it was explained that with extended warranties there is always a deductable..REALLY...first they've mentioned it...it's amazing it's not mentioned when it's sold!!!!!! Anyway --paid it and left.
I parked the Sienna in Lenox for a couple hours while mom and I did errands ....we used moms car and took Chloe to the vet for her vaccination....did a few more errands...went back to Lenox to pick up Natalie....then mom took me to the Community Center to get the Sienna....from there I was heading to the library and the bank before pick up....I had a full 1/2 hour before picking Olivia up at noon.....mom took Natalie home to get her to sleep and she also took Chloe home.....Chloe had shots this morning. She was definitely tired.
I drove around the Lenox block (complete with much road work) 2 times looking for a place to park near the library but I had no luck so I decided to park BEHIND the bank and I'd walk to the library and do my banking on the way back to the car...While pulling into the bank I MISJUDGED the turn and hit most of the side of the van on a white post separating the 2 drive thru lanes at the bank. This bank lane is quite narrow..the was the first time since owning the van that I went to this bank.... I am still getting used to driving a minivan. I had the Audi Wagon for 5 years and nothing like that had ever happened....
I skipped the library and bank stop and I drove directly to the Mobil Station for advice..( this is all happening now 20 minutes before I'm due to pick Olivia up at school) ....they sent me to a local man that does body work...he was very close....he was available to take a peak (blessing) and he used a chemical and wiped off the "post paint marks " that made it look REALLY BAD....he needed to see what the scratch and dent really looked like without the white paint stuck to it....... It is wide..and long.......and expensive......I was feeling very discouraged...quietly cried.....wishing I could turn back time and re-negotiate the bank trip.......I pulled it together to go pick up Olivia...
We went to the play..it was really good.. we both enjoyed it. I missed Natalie being there. I think she would have liked it.
After the play we went to the grocery store to get milk. Olivia put her ballet clothes on in the van and I took her to ballet. My dear friend Chantal offered to drive Olivia home after ballet so I could head home and relieve Diana from childcare. Chantal does NOT live nearby. She lives in Stockbridge so this is way out of her way.
I arrived home and I was happy it was a warm house. Bob was soundly sleeping. Diana went home. Natalie took her bath while I organized dinner....Olivia came home....
Chantal said Olivia sat out of ballet feeling sick...achey, chilled.........after hopping into the house from Chantals car she ate her ENTIRE dinner....and she said she thought she should have a pan next to the bed in case she threw up....Bob gets sick quite a bit at this point..... I do think this must be a form of Sympathy Pain that Olivia has for daddy. I know nothing about what Sympathy pain is and if it's is "real" however I am at a loss. This is SO not typical behavior for Olivia. Chantals girls said Olivia cried during ballet. She LOVES ballet.
A big challenge for me is "trying to figure it all out" ...I find this part so intense......It reminds me of when the girls were babies and they'd have a time when they were crying and carrying on and I knew "something was wrong" but I already did all I COULD do or all I KNEW to do....changed diaper, fed, held, rocked, burped, sang, bathed, and they still fussed.... WHY? I'm a mom...I'm "supposed" to know right???? Thats the deal... we are SUPPOSED to know!
WHERE "S THE FLIPPIN' MANUAL?
Shouldn't kids come with a darn manual...cars come with a manual and they are so much less important!!!! (: A light comes on when something is wrong that needs attention....THAT's what needs to happen for parents! A light needs to appear on our children to indicate where the issue is!
I talk to the girls about "asking for attention" when they need it...instead of whining and acting out...just ask..use your words.....and I have to say it has worked in the past......so is this a need for attention?
I'm not sure what is going on...I have to think that the length of this illness and now having Bob home daily is heavy on their little hearts. He's their "dad" and he is so sick. His condition is hard for adults to see ...I can't imagine what it's like for them.
Sadness? Stress? Worry? Fear? Anger? Insecurity? Growing pains? Reacting to my stress? I'm sure it's a blend of all. So what do I do? I ask for help...I receive help....I let the house go and I go to bed early...I have people cooking for me quite often....I do my best to make our lives as normal as possible but the reality is none of this is normal.
Major things have been happening...most prominently Bob's sickness....however tucked in the midst have been "normal" life challenges...
All of this detective work is in the midst of my very own high degree of turmoil and just plain daily life which seems to be in a concentrated version and accelerated at the moment! I think of the cartoon you may recall of someone "dodging bullets".....that's how i feel....repeatedly dodging.
We have been so blessed with wonderful people around us supporting us. For that I am so grateful.
The Serenity Prayer keeps coming to mind on a daily basis....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
What is the difference...I know what I can't change...but what can I change...what needs changing...I'm unclear what to do to help the girls through this...I keep the lines of communication open...Natalie's a bit young to share her feelings directly but it seems Olivia has for the last 3 months since the diagnosis.....she asks questions when she needs to.. we don't hide things from them. We give information as gently as possible without lying.
......I can only hope that Bob turns the corner soon and starts improving. Maybe that is the answer for the girls to feel better... The doctor promised that would happen soon...that Bob would turn the corner soon.
......I can only hope that Bob turns the corner soon and starts improving. Maybe that is the answer for the girls to feel better... The doctor promised that would happen soon...that Bob would turn the corner soon.
I do not want to whine.... however I'm feeling overwhelmed today. This is all so much to balance....I'm confident I'm a great balancer... IF I know what the heck I'm balancing..if it's clear or "somewhat clear" what I'm faced with..but it seems that every day is a new adventure....I'm feeling worn out.
Going to bed and hoping and praying tomorrow is an improvement on many levels.
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